All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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