now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
