i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
