I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
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Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
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I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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