Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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