Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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