I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Couch. On fire.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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