my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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