The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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