Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
