I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
