I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
