i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
