when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
