just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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