As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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