When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
