so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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