just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
