My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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