i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...