party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.