we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
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I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.