A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Let's get the cat blown out
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.