I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
