I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
