An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
