If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
3 2 1 whiskey
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
