He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
