Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
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The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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