somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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