Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
