You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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