My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize