Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
