gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
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Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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