Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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