Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
