It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
