how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
