A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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