just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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