I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
