My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My vagina is very pro this idea
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
