Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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