I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
