Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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