i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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