apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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