Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
