Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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