What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
