After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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