I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
