dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
